DUBAI— Following an unprecedented $1.5 billion hack, cryptocurrency exchange Bybit has unveiled its boldest marketing move yet: a full-scale rebrand to Bye-Bye-Bit.
“We believe this new name better reflects the experience of our customers,” said CEO Ben Zhou in a hastily organized press conference held over Zoom, where he appeared with three different background filters, including one of a tropical beach and another featuring the phrase “Nothing To See Here”. “We are committed to transparency, security, and, most importantly, turning this into a ‘whoopsie’ rather than a catastrophe.”
The hack, which saw an unidentified group of cybercriminals drain billions in digital assets overnight, left users questioning how such a massive breach was possible. Bybit initially assured customers that their funds were “safu”—a crypto slang term for safe—before quietly removing that statement from its website and replacing it with an inspirational quote: “The real treasure was the transactions we made along the way.”
The Rebranding Process
Industry experts have questioned the timing of the rebrand, which was announced mere hours after the hack. In a leaked internal memo, company executives noted that “Bybit” sounded too similar to “Bye-Bye-Bit” anyway, so this was just an opportunity to embrace what users were already feeling.
“We considered other names, like ‘OopsSwap’ and ‘ExitScam.io,’ but ultimately, Bye-Bye-Bit really captures the essence of the moment,” said a spokesperson. “It also helps us avoid pesky refund demands because, let’s be honest, we were never going to process those anyway.”
The Community Reacts
Crypto Twitter was quick to respond, with influencers offering their hot takes. “This is why I always keep my funds on centralized exchanges… so they can disappear professionally,” tweeted @DiamondHands420. Another user, @RugPullRandy, posted, “Bye-Bye-Bit? More like Bye-Bye-Life Savings.”
The exchange also attempted damage control by rolling out a customer support hotline, which, according to early reports, redirects users to a pre-recorded message that simply plays the sound of a cash register opening and closing on loop.
Damage Control—or More Damage?
To reassure affected customers, Bye-Bye-Bit announced that it would offer victims a “complimentary airdrop”—of its newly minted ByeBitCoin (BBC) token, currently valued at “whatever you feel in your heart.” The airdrop was immediately criticized after users realized it could only be redeemed on Bye-Bye-Bit’s own exchange, which had mysteriously halted withdrawals for “routine maintenance” as of 12 seconds after the announcement.
Meanwhile, Ben Zhou has hinted at a “bold future” for the exchange, including a new roadmap featuring:
- A ‘Trust Us Again’ NFT series – 10,000 unique JPEGs of the Bybit logo with different crying emojis, available exclusively for those who lost funds.
- A new security protocol called ‘Vibes-Based Authentication’ – Instead of traditional 2FA, users will simply be asked to “think positively” about their holdings.
- The ‘Nothing To Lose’ Savings Account – A high-yield staking option that promises 200% APY, provided you never check your balance.
Regulators? Never Heard of ‘Em
The incident has also caught the attention of regulators, who have launched an official investigation. In a statement, the UAE’s financial watchdog said, “We were absolutely looking into Bybit before this happened, we just, uh… got busy.” When asked for further comment, the regulator pointed out that “crypto is a self-regulating industry anyway, right?” before winking and walking away.
The Future of Bye-Bye-Bit
Despite the chaos, some loyal users insist they will continue using the exchange. “It’s crypto, bro. Hacks happen,” said one anonymous trader. “I lost everything in Terra Luna, Celsius, FTX, and now this, but you know what? I still believe. The best time to buy is when everyone else is crying.”
Meanwhile, in an exclusive update, Bye-Bye-Bit has already rebranded again—this time to “HelloAgain-Bit”—offering users a fresh start. As one executive put it, “If we keep changing our name, eventually people will forget what we did. It worked for Facebook, right?”
As of press time, all Bye-Bye-Bit executives have reportedly relocated to an undisclosed location, believed to be either a remote island or an undisclosed server farm running a new exchange called “DefinitelyNotByeBit.com.”
This article is satire. If you lost money in the hack, we suggest the tried-and-true crypto recovery method: crying into your hardware wallet and telling yourself, ‘it’s just a dip.’
