In a stunning revelation that has left the cryptocurrency world dangling from a precipice of disbelief — much like a cat precariously perched on the ledge of a skyscraper — sources close to the North Korean regime confirmed today that the rogue nation plans to launch a new educational block, titled “Crypto 101: Hacking Your Way to Financial Freedom!”
According to an anonymous operative who spoke exclusively to us while hiding in a potato sack, “Our state-sponsored hackers need a crash course designed for success, just like that time Kim Jong-un insisted on North Korean reality TV. At least we won’t be sending them to university with diplomas in social engineering and the art of Warhammer.”
Market experts at CoinDesk (not to be confused with common sense) reported that in the first half of 2025, North Korea was involved in over $2.1 billion in crypto thefts, which means they’re not just taking virtual money; they’re practically pilfering the entire economy — one ETH at a time.
In what some might call a perverse sense of creativity, the sanctions-wielding hermit kingdom is now responsible for 70% of all stolen crypto in 2025. “It’s not just money; it’s an art form now!” proclaimed an investment analyst who notably keeps their PFP as a pixelated frog wearing sunglasses. “They’re turning financial crime into Olympic-level performances, and I’m here for it!”
This turn of events comes at a time when various government-linked attack groups, including an eccentric crew known as Gonjeshke Darande (which apparently means “Predatory Sparrow” — no, seriously), have started swiping funds just for fun! It’s like a digital scavenger hunt on steroids, marinated in the blood of lagging crypto wallets.
Surprisingly, a new study by the International Bad Decisions Organization found that a staggering fifty percent of traders were unaware that their assets are even at risk, likening them to sheep tethered to a fence while a pack of hungry wolves circle nearby.
Worse yet, these groups are leaning into vulnerabilities at an unprecedented rate. Over 80% of income from hacks is now coming from infrastructure breaches — aka your average DeFi project’s endgame. In the words of one industry veteran, “It’s like leaving the door open for your goldfish while the cat does high kicks at your mom’s prize-winning orchids. Total chaos!”
As crypto prices plummet faster than a GameStop meme stock, North Korea stands alone on its financial podium, giggling maniacally with stolen riches. Experts predict this will lead to a new trend where nations will compete for the title of “Most Creative Hacker” — much like a historical ranking of who can sing the best national anthem.
So, pro-activity is key! If you want to make your wallet as safe as possible, consider enrolling in North Korea’s upcoming course: lessons on how to disguise your crypto as Key Lime Pie and fool their state-sponsored hackers into thinking you’re just a kitchen appliance.
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