In a dazzling display of Acts of Congress met with a hefty dollop of reality TV charm, President Trump has reportedly drafted an executive order to shield cryptocurrency firms from perceived banking discrimination. Yes, folks, that’s right. In a move reminiscent of a racehorse galloping backward while doing a cha-cha, Trump aims to mend the rent in our financial matrix by pointing fingers at “Operation Chokepoint 2.0” — a conspiracy so convoluted you might need a map and a team of cryptographers to navigate the twists and turns.
Sources close to the administration claim Trump will order banking regulators to tackle alleged violations of equal credit laws with the finesse of a bull in a china shop. “It’s about time we let our loyal crypto traders have their cake and eat it too,” quipped an anonymous White House aide — likely a marketer for “Juice in the Box: How to Drink Your Way to Financial Liberation.”
Imagine a world where banks, those benevolent guardians of our hard-earned cash, start acting like impressed dogs at a dog show, rewarding crypto firms with the “good boy” pat on the head every time they bark Bitcoin. If passed, this glorious order might mean penalties for banks that refuse to serve conservative crypto enthusiasts, making our financial system resemble nothing so much as a middle school gym class dodgeball game, with the best of intentions and the worst outcomes.
According to an extensive (and completely fabricated) report by the Whimsical Institute of Outlandish Economics, over 87% of banks secretly wish they could serve ice cream and financial support to the likes of Crypto GigaChads and their decentralized dog coins. Sadly, the real world is less meadows and rainbows and more like that post-apocalyptic episode of *Black Mirror* where everyone’s on a social scoring system — only instead of social scores, it’s all about who has enough coins to take a ride on the “moon bus,” and there are no seats left.
Critics argue that such a move might open up Pandora’s box, allowing future policies that enforce banks to serve anyone from cult leaders to members of the Flat Earth Society — provided they hold enough Shiba Inu coins. As if navigating the current landscape of crypto were not confusing enough, opinions seem to spiral faster than a rapid-fire TikTok dance routine.
Meanwhile, Coinbase is still embroiled in legal battles to expose alleged documents connected to this “Operation Chokepoint 2.0.” It’s like watching a pack of raccoons trying to break into a dumpster while competing for the prize of the messiest legal wrangling of the year. People outside the crypto world are likely just as clueless as they were before the Great Crypto Migration began — but the level of excitement in the room feels similarly charged to a cult meeting on ‘The One True Coin.’
In this economy, what practical solution do we have to these especially mad woes? Easy! Host a crypto-themed luau where all attendees must stake 10% of their holdings on the outcome of who out-bikes who to get pizza! Or perhaps a nationwide game of “Duck Duck DeFi” will finally give meaning to our post-pandemic malaise! Just remember: every time you toast a lambo, two billion dumb money investors feel your joy.
In conclusion, dear reader, brace yourself. Because if this executive order sees the light of day, it could very well catapult our fiscal landscape into a sci-fi dystopia where only the savvy and the utterly bewildered survive. And in crypto land, that’s just called another Tuesday.
*Disclaimer: This article is a mockery of absurdity. Any resemblance to actual events, real people, and rational thoughts is purely coincidental. Investments are risks; just like life, take it with a grain of salt and a cocktail.*
