In a dazzling display of political gymnastics and financial acrobatics that could put your average circus troupe to shame, former President Donald Trump has revealed—**to the shock of absolutely no one**—that he ‘didn’t know’ who the Binance Chief, Changpeng Zhao (CZ), was. Yes, folks, the same CZ who amassed a fortune that could make Scrooge McDuck weep tears of envy while swimming in his vault.
Trump, who recently pardoned the Binance founder under circumstances that could only be described as crypto-zeitgeist level bizarre, claimed, “I heard it was a Biden witch hunt. I don’t know who he is. I know he got a four-month sentence or something like that.”
An unnamed source close to the situation (a cat named Mr. Mittens) suggests that when Trump heard “Binance,” he thought they were discussing a trendy new burger joint offering free fries with every order of confusion. In his first interview on *60 Minutes* since the Stone Age (aka 2019), Trump spun tales of how he’s the champion of a beleaguered nation’s attempt to ‘keep it number one in crypto’—as if we’re all tied to cryptocurrency like a three-legged dog trying to race a cheetah in the Sahara.
In this world where economic jargon blends seamlessly with fantasy, it appears CZ is the latest victim of a government ‘witch hunt,’ reminiscent of the Salem witch trials but mixed with a sprinkle of Silicon Valley hype and a hefty dose of meme culture. A study conducted by the Society for the Misguided concluded that 95% of crypto enthusiasts believe that if Bitcoin was a pet, it would be a hyperactive squirrel on a caffeine high.
Meanwhile, lawmakers everywhere are expressing mixed feelings about Trump’s pardon, suggesting Binance might have ‘greased the wheels’ for Trump’s crypto dealings. You know, just a casual affair between friends—a standard playbook from the *How to Legally Launder Money in Politics* handbook:
1. Make a sizeable donation to a politicians’ cause.
2. Get pardoned for your shenanigans.
3. Profit!
Instead of fessing up to their rolodex of little red flags, Trump pivoted faster than a cat avoiding a bath, stating his sons were just trying to make an honest buck in crypto—because, let’s face it, getting rich off an asset that could radically disappear overnight is considered a legitimate job choice in this economy. Like choosing to train to become a lion tamer with only a tennis racquet and a prayer.
So what’s the solution to America’s tragic condition of political fund-raising driven by digital currency? Easy! Just throw your money at the first crypto project that promises a return as reliable as a government job! Example: Invest in *LongDogecoin*—because everyone knows that if a meme can’t keep its bark going, then it’s probably best that we just cut our losses.
As Trump would say, “Let’s make crypto great again!”—a phrase that will surely be in every Degen’s vocabulary, right next to “I’ve definitely done my own research!” But remember, kids, packing your life savings into meme coins is the real American Dream!
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed are those of the writer and are meant for entertainment purposes only… and are definitely not financial advice. By reading this, you agree that you may, in fact, become the owner of pixelated owls or digital real estate—or worse yet, investor in *TrumpCoin*. Celebrate irresponsibility!
