In a stunning example of regulatory wizardry that even the most ambitious circus elephants would envy, the FDIC has just agreed to pay a whopping $188,440 in legal fees to Coinbase while simultaneously dropping its lengthy battle over the infamous “pause letters.” Yes, you heard that right! It’s like paying someone to dropkick you in the shins, but in the world of cryptos, it’s apparently necessary.
An anonymous source who claims to have accidentally wandered into the FDIC’s board meeting dressed as a panda says, “This is exactly what we mean by transparency! Watch us pay up while pretending to tackle our regulatory missteps! It’s like taking tips on good parenting from a cat!”
This whole debacle began when the FDIC, in a classic case of bureaucratic overreach, decided that it was wise to send out cryptic letters to banks telling them to press pause on crypto-related activities—an initiative dubbed “Operation Choke Point 2.0” because nothing says ‘protecting consumers’ like a game of bureaucratic whack-a-mole.
In what many have dubbed the most expensive game of hide-and-seek since last summer’s NFT summer fling (RIP, CryptoKitties), the FDIC will now begrudgingly reveal their sock drawer of pause letters that were meant to show how they casually told banks to chill on the crypto scene. These letters were found to be as transparent as a brick wall painted black by the previous FDIC administration—a nod to their sophisticated ability to say, “Trust us, we’re still doing our job!” Meanwhile, the U.S. District Judge Ana Reyes commented on the FDIC’s handling of the case, calling it a “lack of good-faith effort,” which is regulatory talk for, “Nice try, kiddos.”
The recently released documents revealed a treasure trove of blockchain-muffled correspondence—imagine collecting Pokémon cards that you’re not even allowed to show anyone—just fewer pocket monsters and more extensive damage to institutional trust.
Not one to miss a chance to play the regulatory hero, the FDIC has vowed to change its ways. Balloons have already been prepared for a series of fun and educational training sessions, where employees will be told to “liberally construe” FOIA requests like they were wading through a pool filled with jelly. It’s been said that this new policy shift may now allow banks to feel free to embrace crypto without whimsically receiving a random letter of pause like they just adopted a hamster without training wheels.
Joe Ciccolo, a crypto oversight expert, suggested these recent developments could mark a turning tide, hinting at a new world where oversight is “transparent, risk-based, and grounded in clear supervisory standards,”—which translates directly to: “Don’t be a jerk, or we’ll suggest you hop on your bike and ride off into the sunset.” You know how regulators can be: always giving directions while looking away like a lion watching a gazelle.
So for all the crypto enthusiasts out there, rejoice! Feel free to celebrate this newfound clarity. Tackle that DeFi platform with confidence, knowing there’s a slight possibility that the FDIC won’t just drop a nuke of confusion on it anymore—just a garden-variety bureaucratic spat.
And while we’re at it, if you’re looking for an additional solution to this crisis of accountability, why not start a foundation dedicated to promoting governmental transparency? We’ll make it a-crypto non-profit—totally legit, I swear! (Insert winking emoji here.)
Disclaimer: This post was sponsored by the FDIC’s newly launched ‘Regulatory Revolt Fund,’ because nothing says democratic oversight like funding your own excuse for bureaucracy.
