In a stunning revelation that broke the internet (but only if you clicked through three pop-up ads), Australian retirement funds have officially declared crypto as the ugly stepchild of investment portfolios, buried deep under layers of cash, stocks, and real estate. In fact, it seems they’re not just late to the party; they’re showing up after everyone’s done eating and there’s only stale cake left.
In a world where Bitcoin is roller-coastering curiously over A$110,000 like a caffeinated kangaroo, self-managed superannuation funds (SMSFs) in Australia have doubled their crypto assets only to slam the brakes, stalling around the A$3 billion mark. Talk about a crypto wet blanket! “SMSFs are like your uncle at a family reunion who only eats the salad when there’s a hot pie on the table,” quipped an anonymous source we will call ‘not Jeremy Kinstlinger.’
It’s a known fact (greatly exaggerated, of course) that over three-quarters of Australians believe crypto has made it to the mainstream, and yet SMSFs contribute a meager 0.3% to the total retirement pool. Yeah, you heard that right. Just tiny enough to be a dot on an already crowded scatter plot!
Is this because retirees are sipping iced tea with traditional investments? Or is it just that crypto still feels about as regulated as a bear wrestling contest? Experts (who definitely aren’t just guys with bad haircuts in hoodie sweatshirts) believe a lack of regulation is turning these funds into the financial equivalent of a paranoid chicken—cautious and always nervously squawking at imaginary wolves. Jeremy Kinstlinger himself pointed out, “Until crypto feels mainstream and as safe as holding a pillow pet, they’ll keep it tucked away like an embarrassing childhood photo.”
But don’t worry, Aussie retirees! While your crypto journey feels more like a stroll through a minefield than a trip to Disneyland, the Asia-Pacific region saw a mind-boggling $2.36 trillion in crypto volumes last year. Basically, while SMSFs were busy counting their pennies, the rest of the world was out there executing perfect backflips off the diving board.
As a plan B (the worst kind), experts suggest that SMSFs could just toss their retirement into a basket of memes and call it a day—because why not? If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, right?! In other words, ditch the boring equities and channel that energy into “Hodl or Die” finance, where community and chaos collide at every price dip and rally.
In conclusion, it’s time for Australian funds to round up all the retirement savings—maybe even lure them in with Boomer nostalgia—and plunge headfirst into the wild world of crypto. Because at this point, if you’re not at least attempting to mine Dogecoin in your backyard, are you really living?
*Disclaimer: Whale Tales takes no responsibility for your future retirement plans or Rover’s financial advising. If you think investing in crypto is going to save you from a lifetime of sad retirement porridge, then we suggest investing in meme coins instead!*
