In a stunning twist of fate that has left even the most seasoned hodlers scratching their heads, Bitcoin recently touched $105,000—a price hardly anyone seems to believe is real, much like the large stuffed panda they keep in their office that everyone pretends they haven’t seen.
Despite a momentary tantrum from the markets after Moody’s downgraded U.S. government bonds (a rating only slightly more valuable than soggy toilet paper), BTC shrugged it off like a labradoodle shaking off water after a doozy of a swim. “The downgrade was expected—much like the NFT project of a dancing potato. Who really cares?” said Ram Ahluwalia, CEO of Lumida Wealth, likely while sipping his third macchiato of the day, signaling to all that he’s Too Cool for Market Rating Dramas.
On the heels of this rollercoaster, 21Shares slapped down their latest prediction of Bitcoin soaring to $138,500 this year, a feat they assert will be powered by institutional inflows rather than the running gag that is ‘retail mania.’ “It’s almost like Bitcoin is the swan in a pond filled with hungry crocodiles—everyone is just waiting for it to paddle a bit too close before it gets chomped!” commented one anonymous source dressed as a blockchain wizard at a Degen Festival event, because why not?
Meanwhile, while Bitcoin’s ascent spills over into Ethereum and Solana (which are still searching for their first real identity, much like a teenager at a Who concert), we must consider the larger implications of this feather-ruffling performance. A recent study conducted by the Institute of Distant Futures and Pizza Delivery Services found that 97% of all crypto investors have no idea what they are doing, while 73% think they’re in a crypto cult and are just waiting for a new leader in a shiny tracksuit to appear.
With BTC now nudging against sky-high valuations, rumors are swirling that certain institutions are now converting their water-cooler gossip into direct investments in digital assets. This barrage of cash into the crypto market feels more like a feeding frenzy at an all-you-can-eat sushi buffet, where highly educated sharks in suits are the ones strangely holding out for the ‘bluefin tuna’ which is definitely prohibited, but hey, who’s counting?
To combat the impending doom of intelligent investing via ratings downgrades, we strongly suggest that you double down on your investments in ‘hype coins’ like
