In a dazzling display of economic genius unmatched since the invention of the wheel, Coinbase has announced the launch of its new Bitcoin cashback card in partnership with American Express. Dubbed the “Coinbase One Card,” this revolutionary financial instrument promises a generous 4% back on purchases in Bitcoin — just as long as you don’t mind getting your cash back approximately five years from now due to the currency’s infinite volatility.
One anonymous source from Coinbase was overheard saying, “Everyone knows cryptocurrency is just digital Monopoly money, but at least this way, you can have some fun losing it on overpriced avocado toasts!”
Not to be outdone in the madness department, the announcement comes on the heels of increasing demand for more ways to spend your crypto gains. Because, clearly, the dream of early retirement is best manifested through swiping cards to buy fizzy drinks and disposable fashion. Apparently, the future is filled with plastic cards, code, and regret, much like a 90s sci-fi movie about artificial intelligence gone wrong.
But wait! There’s more: Users can also earn added rewards for holding USDC, a stablecoin that is as stable as a three-legged dog at a rodeo. As yet unproven “studies” say that 92% of people using USDC feel a little less stressed knowing their fortunes can slip and slide just as easily as Bitcoin’s price. In another survey conducted in the Taco Bell drive-thru, 83% of guinea pigs believed that crypto cards will save the economy.
The practical implication here is simple: you can now buy that latte with your Bitcoin and get a kickback that means nothing once the price tanks 300%. Why face reality when you can keep pretending that you’ll be the one genius who times the market perfectly?
In related news, the crypto community is abuzz as Jack Ma’s Ant Group seeks stablecoin licenses in Hong Kong and Singapore. Experts have predicted this will usher in a brave new world where it’s now legal to blankly stare at your precariously dented crypto holdings while sipping your overpriced soy milk.
So, what’s the solution to this dizzying descent into warding off inevitable financial ruin? It’s simple! Head down to your nearest crypto exchange and buy the most obscure altcoin you can find. If you throw darts at a board of irrelevant projects, we guarantee you’ll either hit the jackpot or become an unintentional muse for the next cautionary tale at a blockchain conference. Because in the wild, wild west of crypto, blind faith will always make for the best storytelling.
Disclaimer: This entire article was powered by market speculation and the idea that somehow people will keep engaging in this imaginary currency game. CoinDesk is, of course, not responsible for your losses or your decision to spend crypto on items you will eventually regret. Please invest wisely, and remember — you must always buy the top.
