In an astonishingly ironic twist, the transhumanist movement has recently been dubbed a “death cult” — not by your disgruntled cousin with a tinfoil hat, but by philosophers and tech nerds armed with more than just recursion and a strong Wi-Fi signal. This epic clash of ideals, which one could only liken to the Great American Snail Race versus a Formula 1 Grand Prix, took place at the Institute of Art and Ideas, where scientists and dreamers gathered to debate humanity’s impending apocalypse — brought by technology instead of fire and brimstone.
Given the current discourse in crypto land, where wallets are constantly emptied in pursuit of the next Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster of Tokens, a top-tier anonymous source was heard saying, “If we can’t even claim our digital wallets in this realm, how on earth can we expect to upload our consciousness to something that requires less gas fees?”
Critics like neuroscientist Àlex Gómez-Marín proclaim that transhumanism represents the *”pinnacle of irony”* — a pseudo-religion that idolizes technology while slowly steering humanity into an existential black hole. As he shouted from the podium (and probably from the rooftops of Silicon Valley), *”Transhumanism is about as comforting as an all-you-can-eat buffet on a sinking ship!”*
Meanwhile, advocates like Zoltan Istvan, a political candidate pushing the boundaries of consciousness at warp speed, believe that the movement is a literal humanitarian effort designed to shove aging and death into the dumpster fire of “no more pain, 100% gain.” In a heartfelt moment that surely went *viral* across the metaverse, he quipped, “Look, no one wants to die! So let’s just tech our way out of it… right after I clink my NFTs together and let them multiply!”
Studies created in the crypto ethos (probably by a sentient cat on a keyboard) indicate that 99% of those in crypto would *not* like to die, and even more shockingly, 100% of the same group can’t figure out how to properly save a wallet backup because, apparently, user experience is *that* complex.
The real kicker? A report by the *Galileo Commission* so deeply enlightened on transhumanism that it could easily be mistaken for a sci-fi plot twist, warned against merging humans with machines — a concept famously popularized through countless dystopian flicks. Their thesis likened this merger to a bad furry convention with less charming costumes and more PR disasters.
The solution? A groundbreaking marketplace for “digital consciousness storage” where you sell your essence for crypto tokens and intellectual property (coming soon to a dystopian future near you). Imagine an easy-level step-by-step guide — at the bottom of the virtual community garden, of course!
In the words of the seasoned crypto investor selling a cactus NFT, *”If we can’t be immortal, at least let’s leverage some dead assets along the way!”* As always, please ensure your mining rigs have proper ventilation while contemplating the ebb and flow of your digital afterlife.
Disclaimer: Consulting a crypto advisor about whether this blog is just cleverly presented satire could mildly mitigate your FOMO. Don’t choke on your own data privacy; consult your nearest philosophical robot for life advice.
