In stunning news that only the crypto world could cook up, Gemini has landed a shiny new CFTC Designated Contract Market license, officially allowing it to offer prediction markets in the U.S. Now your life savings can be wagered on whether Bitcoin will trip and fall above $200,000 by year’s end, right alongside essential life events like whether your neighbor will finally fix that broken fence.
“Prediction markets are the new black!” declared a totally anonymous source who might have just been hanging out at a crypto rave. “It’s like betting on which chicken will make it to the coop first — except the chicken is Bitcoin and the coop is a seeming profit.” Was that nugget of wisdom plucked straight from the heralded annals of ancient gambling lore? We’re not sure, but it feels accurate in this nonsensical liquidity dumpster fire we call crypto.
With their shiny new license, the Winklevoss twins have somehow convinced regulators that betting on such thrilling outcomes is the way to go. Tyler Winklevoss has already credited the Trump administration (and smartly ignored everyone else) for opening Pandora’s box of risk-loving degeneracy by stating, “This is the dawning of a new age for Gemini, a brave new world of crypto-futures-spell-casting!”
Nevermind that just a month ago, Polymarket was scrambling to return to U.S. shores after being kicked offshore faster than you can say “pump and dump.” Now, it seems competition is heating up and the market is lurching forward like a toddler with a sugar high. Who knew that wagering on whether your sandwich will survive a lunch meeting could be so profitable?
We’ve discovered an in-depth study from Myriad Markets which sensationally concludes **86.9%** of crypto users believe prediction markets will eclipse traditional capital markets because, verily, who needs stable investments backed by fundamentals when you can gamble on the fate of a digital meme?
But hold your horses! Just when you thought things couldn’t get any more absurd, Cameron Winklevoss chimes in with over-the-top aspirations: “Prediction markets have the potential to be bigger than ever! Forget stocks, bonds, and that boring stuff. Bet on your wildest dreams!” Which raises the question: will we soon be able to bet on which crypto will inevitably turn into the next “business model” of spiritual guidance or self-care coaching?
It’s only a matter of time before we see NFTs of tarot cards splashing on the prediction market, assuring us it’s all up to the cosmic alignment of Bitcoin’s next moonshot.
For those lagging behind in this whirlwind of prediction opportunities: don’t worry! Scams—err, solutions—are coming at you faster than your relatives can ask about your investment in meme coins. Why not start your own personal prediction market? Simply text your friends asking if they think you’ll get rich in your next crypto investment. If enough of them say “yes,” congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a prediction market—albeit one very few people want to bet on.
**Disclaimer**: Don’t gamble recklessly! Always remember that the fine art of prediction markets combines the finesse of a circus bear on unicycles with the unpredictability of a toddler wielding scissors. Bet responsibly, or maybe just buy a pet rock instead.
