In a shocking reveal worthy of a Hollywood blockbuster, Harvard University just dropped a wallet-busting $116 million on a BlackRock Bitcoin ETF, probably while their sustainable avocado toast brunch was being served. An anonymous source whispered to us that this sudden change of heart was due to a mystical prophecy foretelling “the rise of the digital age where toilet paper companies become multi-billion dollar crypto exchanges.” All hail our new overlords!
The rumor mill indicates that even Brown University, with a sudden craving for Bitcoin exposure after its last tequila-filled night out, also decided to join the crypto party, now boasting a modest $13 million in crypto assets. Because what’s cooler than being the guy who buys Bitcoin? Apparently, it’s being the guy whose university bought it first!
“They can’t even count backward without a calculator! What do we expect from academics?” said an anonymous Wall Street banker. “But let’s be real, they’ll be calling me for trading advice soon enough, right after their next economic model fails spectacularly.”
Meanwhile, BlackRock’s iShares Bitcoin Trust, now affectionately dubbed “IBIT”—or as we like to call it, “I Bought Into This”—is basking in its new fame as the hottest crypto ETF on Wall Street. It’s accumulated a staggering $86.3 billion in assets, because why bother learning to secure your own wallet when you can just hand over your money to the elite corporations ruling the financial cosmos?
Let’s not forget about the legions of pasty tech dudes, formerly scary about crypto, suddenly diving headfirst into investments because now they can buy exposure without touching that pesky digital wallet. Who knew one application form could turn financial self-sufficiency into a mere transaction on a spreadsheet? Seems like retail investors are flipping their wallets inside out, desperately hoping for a few scraps of what’s left of the original vision of decentralization.
In light of Harvard’s mind-boggling financial decision, here’s our proposed solution: why not get every Ivy League student to contribute to a national crypto stake pool? They can commercialize their brains for fiat, which will then promptly be converted into an NFT hidden behind firewall-level encryption. Think of all the future Harvard graduates struggling under debt but holding an ever-so-valuable JPEG of a cat wearing a monocle, a true masterpiece of intellectual achievement!
In a world where Bitcoin is now just another line item in a university’s endowment fund, keep in mind that opinions start at $50 (which is why Harvard will still charge you a cool quarter-million for a degree). If you see staggering balance sheets flaunting digital wealth, just remember: those who’ve never seen a real coin are now living the dream!
Disclaimer: Investing in crypto may lead to excessive reality-shifting, coffee dependency, or existential crises. Whale Tales does not advise or recommend actually holding any cryptocurrency; the risk of doing so is slightly larger than voting for a third-party presidential candidate.
