In the grand theater of corporate capitalism, where the curtain of consumer choice is frequently pulled back to reveal a stage full of clowns, Microsoft has taken center stage with its latest performance. The scene? A courtroom in Australia, where they’ve been slapped with a lawsuit for hiking prices by up to 45% while simultaneously pulling the age-old magician’s trick of hiding their cheaper “Classic” plans under a hat that says “Abracadabra!” or, you know, just a really complicated cancellation screen.
The Australian Competition and Consumer Commission (ACCC) is calling this regulatory trickery exactly what it is. Apparently, in a ploy that would make even the slickest used-car salesman blush, Microsoft told approximately 2.7 million unsuspecting users that their only choices for Microsoft 365 were to pay more for their new AI Copilot or take a hike. However, unbeknownst to the majority, there lurked a hidden option like a shy lion in a lion-tamer’s ring—a Classic plan that maintained all the original features without the insufferable burden of AI-assisted billing.
“We really believed the hidden plan was a clever marketing strategy—turns out it’s just simple theft disguised as progress, like wearing a mask that makes you look like the world’s friendliest burglar,” remarked an anonymous source close to the investigation (who may or may not have been hiding in the bushes of Microsoft headquarters).
It’s worth pondering: when did our beloved digital services become a sinister carnival ride? A recent study by the Society for the Quantification of Corporate Shenanigans (SQCS) found that 78% of consumers prefer transparency—this might be as shocking as finding out that water is wet or that dogs bark. Meanwhile, market analysts are left scratching their heads, trying to figure out if Microsoft is playing the long game or just playing a dirty game—much like your uncle who insists on playing Monopoly and never ends up paying rent.
“Listen, folks, if they can charge you 45% more and hide the cheaper option in a cancellation workflow, they must truly see us as a herd of endless cash cows outing to pasture a la Bovine 2.0!” said Gina Cass-Gottlieb, Chair of the ACCC, summing up the sentiments of a nation.
But whatever could Microsoft do to remedy this mess? Well, according to industry insiders who are not afraid to crawl through the rubble of corporate ethics, the best solution is to replace Microsoft’s CEO with an actual AI. After all, the reasoning provided by AI is typically devoid of shady tactics and catchy jingles—simply cold robot logic that exclaims, “Why not just give people what they want without making it a three-hour episode of “Wipeout”?” **After all, who doesn’t love a good high-speed chase through a maze of hidden terms?**
In closing, may we gleefully await Microsoft’s triumphant return to sanity as they hand out classic plans like candy at a school fair (oh wait, they can’t—they hid them!) and genuinely stop treating subscribers as walking ATMs with legs. If you think this level of contempt is bad now, congratulations, you must be new to the internet!
Disclaimer: This rant should not be taken seriously. All profits from this post will be mysteriously routed to Fiji by Microsoft following the announcement of the next official price hike.
Remember, kids—if something seems too good to be true, check the cancellation flow first.
