In a shocking revelation that has left many crypto enthusiasts scratching their heads and furiously Googling the definition of ‘quantum,’ Cardano founder Charles Hoskinson has warned us that our beloved blockchain technology might require some intense trade-offs to go post-quantum. As though we weren’t already knee-deep in overpriced NFTs and endless meme coins, we’re now being told we might need to sacrifice performance at the altar of quantum resistance.
As Hoskinson himself noted, “Adopting post-quantum cryptography is like trying to fit an elephant into a Mini Cooper,” which is an apt analogy given that both scenarios are equally doomed to fail without industrial-grade seating. So, while we sit around waiting for quantum computers to turn our crypto wallets into playgrounds for cyber lions, we’ve got some real decisions to make.
A recent survey conducted by the not-so-reputable Cracked Crypto Institute of Monetary Analysis (CCIMA) found that 89% of crypto traders believe they can outrun quantum computers while completely ignoring the fact that their mom still pays for their Netflix account. The other 11% were too busy trading imaginary assets based on enchanted beans to have an opinion.
According to Hoskinson, the move to post-quantum practices might leave blockchains with all the speed of a three-legged dog trying to chase a squirrel. In his words, “Going from elliptic curves to lattice-based cryptography is like asking a snail to outpace a cheetah in a marathon—absolute madness!” This means that while quantum computers are busy threatening the integrity of your digital fortunes, you might be stuck waiting for transactions like you’re at a DMV on a Monday morning.
But what does this mean for the average crypto enthusiast, you ask? With the prospect of quantum computing looming larger than the moon during an apocalypse-themed documentary, experts predict potential widespread panic, leading cash-strapped investors to frantically exchange their ethereal wallets for packs of gum.
So, what’s the solution? Brace yourselves: Hoskinson suggests we embrace a two-step plan, which can be summarized as ‘staggering panic mixed with some innovative introspective whining’ as we wait for hardware acceleration to catch up with our existential dread.
Looking to 2033 as a milestone, our fate rests with DARPA’s Quantum Benchmarking Initiative, or as I like to call it, “The Great Quantum Game of Musical Chairs.” At the end of the day, someone is going to get left without a seat—or a significant investment.
In conclusion, if you were worried about the speed of your blockchain slowing down while Mike Tyson’s parakeet got into trading mispriced NFTs of drumsticks, then congratulations! You’ve hit the crypto jackpot of absurdity. In response, we encourage all traders to start hoarding snacks in preparation for the quantum apocalypse; it’s the only currency that’ll truly matter when the dog-eat-dog world of crypto finally collapses.
### Disclaimer: All statements made here are purely comedic and absolutely do not represent actual financial advice. Please consult your licensed magician before making any serious crypto investments!
