In today’s episode of Crypto Circus, where every coin could either make you a billionaire or break your heart, the TON Foundation just introduced its glorious magic trick: the UAE Golden Visa program! It’s as if they took the average Ponzi scheme, turned it into an NFT, and dressed it up in sparkly Emirati robes. Get ready folks, this is the new standard in financial absurdity!
According to anonymous trader “Benny the Broken,” who supposedly traded a potato for Bitcoin once, “It’s like you get to pay a $35,000 fee for a chance at a visa, while simultaneously tying up your $100,000 in toncoin as collateral, because nothing screams freedom like a handcuff made of crypto!”
The entire crypto community is buzzing—partly with joy, partly with confusion, and mostly with that unshakeable feeling that they just stumbled into a poorly lit bar in Dubai and agreed to fund someone else’s dreams of becoming an influencer. According to a recent study by an obscure meme mining operation (which must be taken very seriously), approximately 90% of participants are either ‘maximalists,’ ‘skeptics,’ or ‘just really into shiny objects’ when it comes to this new initiative.
But just what does it take to join this elite club of blockchain aristocracy? Stake $100K in toncoins and pay a non-refundable $35K processing fee. Let me repeat that: thirty-five thousand dollars for paperwork that a cat could do with a keyboard—all for the privilege of maybe getting a UAE residency. What a deal! It’s like getting a premium seat to a concert that could be canceled at any moment because the artist decided they only perform in the cloud!
Now, what about the glimmer of returns? The confidently-stated APY of 3-4% has many shrugging and saying, “Eh, I’d rather have my money under an actual mattress. At least I can sleep on it while I cry!” And let’s not even get started on the two-year lock-up get-rich-slow scheme.
But wait! Let’s sprinkle in optimism: goofy level optimistic! The TON Foundation promises “fast approval” in seven weeks, which is slightly better than watching paint dry while Googling “how to escape Ponzi schemes.” Let’s hear that again—the stakes are transparent because they are kept under the watchful eyes of decentralized smart contracts. That’s a comforting thought when your funds disappear into the Ether, right?
There’s a twist, though. Bobby Ong, co-founder of CoinGecko, sounds thrilled—calling it an amazing story. Meanwhile, his crypto buddy Joe HedgedHog (yes, that’s a real person; we checked) pointed out that this is a legal firm using toncoin like it’s a trendy accessory for visa applications, and expecting success from this is statistically less likely than you winning the lottery after eating a four-leaf clover while listening to whale sounds.
As if the world wasn’t ludicrous enough, CZ from Binance went full dad-mode, warning folks with a grunt of skepticism about this whole operation. It’s like he suddenly became the responsible adult in a room full of giddy kids. “Trust but verify,” he said, which is his way of saying, “How about we stop depending on internet memes for our residency status, eh?”
In conclusion, if you’re still itching to be a part of this crypto magic trick, the best course of action is to borrow money, engage in high-stakes betting, or sell your soul (to a decentralized entity of your choice).
_Disclaimer: This article may have been written under the influence of meme-induced hysteria and a disregard for fiscal responsibility. Whale Tales takes zero responsibility for broken dreams or lost investments. Always do your own research—especially on cats._
